honey, keys, phone, luke warm tea a third full.  df wallace this morning for the first time talking about the wind in the midwest.  playing tennis in tornados.  Its raining in los angeles.  I would say it rains in los angeles, but it doesnt.  im happy for it.  there are great things about jetlag like getting up too early and having time to listen to records and read.  some things are too big to talk about, when it feels this way I'll go to the little things, honey, keys, tea and phone.

as usual starting is the first big hurdle of the day. sitting down to start work makes me feel like everything is else more important than it is, like updating this.  for who/  for what?  if I don't get more words in they might never come back.  for who?

reading the new yorkers summup about beyonce's supposed fakery of the national anthem. the assertion is that she mocked an authentic moment and pointed to the fakery of the whole thing.  it goes further to talk about the nature of "reality" as we call it these days.  Is the notion of truth and reality under fire?

the article does talk about the artifice of the internet, about reality television, and how it puts real people in faked situations to elicit real emotions, from themselves and the audience.  as a person who works in reality tv, I've thought about this a lot.  its caused me a lot of shame to make entertainment out of processing real lives.  why should I take part in the devaluing of "real"ness.  What is realness?

first light of los angeles sun peeking into the window invading my eye line turns everything gold, with so much green around things turn mustard, like the palm trees outside my window.  when I think about all the reasons i haven't spoken in so long, mostly they are my own, its also because of everything out there that i perceive is better, said better, more profoundly, I've stopped speaking in my own way because what could i know or feel.  green and yellow leaves are outside the window.  I wait for my tea and something else to happen today, hoping the traffic won't cloud me over into some sort of work zombie. all the familiar patterns are daunting.  i said i wouldnt waste any more time.

what is the myth of before and after?
what is the myth of cause and effect?

if we call moments events, and we call the existence of moments occurances, then they arrive as a a tear in the fabric, splitting reality, creating a before and an after.  is everything just a series of befores and afters? no. somehow this is wrong some of the time.

I will start here:
If the rain doesnt come
and the food doesnt grow
and the people go hungry
arent these just three ways of explaining the same thing, rather than causes and effects?

this is my mind today. full of nothing.