there were things in my head about half an hour ago. they were observations about myself, the way that I participate so much in the stress that I feel. how i see myself as a witness only. the way my mother talks about a transition into a new stage of life, and the way that I take that on, and become her, feeling a transition too as me, as her as me. it is a radical time.

i had the pleasure of seeing stars tonight. i left the house and got out, late and cold as it is here. i forgot what it was like to get into a cold car. then running into a friends warm living to warm up, get stoned, stretch out, and feel the realizations as i unwind myself. it is a neverending process of the unwinding, but there is swimming too.

cracked myself open tonight, knowing I needed it walked into it, but not really intending it. animal quiet instincts lately. be quiet and something will come. you will know. you're going to be able to smell the air and see the dirt and know exactly what it is. and then you won't and then it will go on. always go on. there is more than starting again. but there are the gems that come.