Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Letters
Dear Lydia
It is late. I was thinking of you. I wanted to tell you why I am marrying you. Throughout the complexities and unknown terrifying good and badness of life I think that the only thing in life that has value is love. People need people - each has his own - you are mine, and I yours. Of all things, the most is aloneness - unloved-ness. I love you. Life without you has no meaning. Success is empty, laughter bitter, my existence joyless without you, without the knowledge that you love me, that no matter what - good or bad - our lives are hopelessly and wonderfully entwined. Together - the joy and the pain.
Once I nearly lost you. I tried to separate you from me. How I ached and cried. I couldn't forget you, leave you, stop loving you. My heart is not my own. I am empty unless you take care of it. I am not nearly perfect, but I will try to be the best husband to you that I can - no matter where we go or what may happen.
To this I pledge myself - what I am and what will be - my life, my work, I pledge it to you before the God who has blessed me with life.
With Deep Love
Michael
It is late. I was thinking of you. I wanted to tell you why I am marrying you. Throughout the complexities and unknown terrifying good and badness of life I think that the only thing in life that has value is love. People need people - each has his own - you are mine, and I yours. Of all things, the most is aloneness - unloved-ness. I love you. Life without you has no meaning. Success is empty, laughter bitter, my existence joyless without you, without the knowledge that you love me, that no matter what - good or bad - our lives are hopelessly and wonderfully entwined. Together - the joy and the pain.
Once I nearly lost you. I tried to separate you from me. How I ached and cried. I couldn't forget you, leave you, stop loving you. My heart is not my own. I am empty unless you take care of it. I am not nearly perfect, but I will try to be the best husband to you that I can - no matter where we go or what may happen.
To this I pledge myself - what I am and what will be - my life, my work, I pledge it to you before the God who has blessed me with life.
With Deep Love
Michael
Letters
SAN DIEGO
FEB 27
1968
Michael,
Time moves slowly and I'm afraid my patience grows thin -more with myself than anyone else. I question my reason for existence. Sometimes I feel I need a vacation from myself. To jump out of oneself and fly like the wind. To feel the sun - warm on you. to be free to love to embrace the world with no threats. i guess I am my biggest threat to myself. Enough.
Linda took her first two steps yesterday. But that's as far as it went. She still holds on while walking. I don't know if she will be walking when you get home. I am so glad your ship is on its way. Progress finally. This feel like the longest trip yet. The nearer our meeting comes the less I sleep. You'll recognize me by the circles under my eyes. I can't seem to shake this depression.
Take care. You are all that's worth anything. Others are false - you are gentle and kind. I'm so tired of fencing. Its a cold world without you, and I find little reason for continuing on this very narrow road.
Lydia
FEB 27
1968
Michael,
Time moves slowly and I'm afraid my patience grows thin -more with myself than anyone else. I question my reason for existence. Sometimes I feel I need a vacation from myself. To jump out of oneself and fly like the wind. To feel the sun - warm on you. to be free to love to embrace the world with no threats. i guess I am my biggest threat to myself. Enough.
Linda took her first two steps yesterday. But that's as far as it went. She still holds on while walking. I don't know if she will be walking when you get home. I am so glad your ship is on its way. Progress finally. This feel like the longest trip yet. The nearer our meeting comes the less I sleep. You'll recognize me by the circles under my eyes. I can't seem to shake this depression.
Take care. You are all that's worth anything. Others are false - you are gentle and kind. I'm so tired of fencing. Its a cold world without you, and I find little reason for continuing on this very narrow road.
Lydia
Friday, March 18, 2011
Letters
Dear Michael,
Its late, and I should be sleeping but I had to say goodnight.
This is my luxury of the day, I foget problems and think of you.
These are the personal, selfish, all important thoughts which help me remember I'm still an individual, a living person, with a living love.
Your Charly
Its late, and I should be sleeping but I had to say goodnight.
This is my luxury of the day, I foget problems and think of you.
These are the personal, selfish, all important thoughts which help me remember I'm still an individual, a living person, with a living love.
Your Charly
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Letters
ANAPOLIS, MD
MAY 21
1-AM
1961
Dear Lydia,
I was much disturbed by your lack of confidence in yourself. Do you think your life has ended entirely because you cannot perceive any promise for the future? What talent do you lack that you apparently believe others about you abound in? Or perhaps you think that you suffer by comparison to me. Firstly - my success in high school was the result of social ineptitude - I was a clod with nothing better to do and the satisfaction of grades fed my wounded ego. Not very noble at all!
Oh baby, where are the words to soothe! You are still so full of life! You are young and healthy and very pretty. Bus drivers and waiters - strangers in the street - everybody can see it but you. The world lies at your feet and I - the great me - stands with head bowed - very humble and honored that you care for me. And what do I wait for? For the time when you lie close by and speak my name.
Do you now or have you ever thought that this life was meant to be easy? Wishing and caring are not enough. Regret does not help at all. The disappointments are many, the work long and dull and the rewards are few, but so sweet as to make it all worth while. Live, I ask, for a day - and there will be one I promise - when your soul will song.
Across the long miles with hasty scribbles I try to ease the growing pains of one, very precious. for the sake of one who not so long ago cried tears for my pain I ask that you consider these words with the honesty and candor in which they are written.
Love,
Michael.
MAY 21
1-AM
1961
Dear Lydia,
I was much disturbed by your lack of confidence in yourself. Do you think your life has ended entirely because you cannot perceive any promise for the future? What talent do you lack that you apparently believe others about you abound in? Or perhaps you think that you suffer by comparison to me. Firstly - my success in high school was the result of social ineptitude - I was a clod with nothing better to do and the satisfaction of grades fed my wounded ego. Not very noble at all!
Oh baby, where are the words to soothe! You are still so full of life! You are young and healthy and very pretty. Bus drivers and waiters - strangers in the street - everybody can see it but you. The world lies at your feet and I - the great me - stands with head bowed - very humble and honored that you care for me. And what do I wait for? For the time when you lie close by and speak my name.
Do you now or have you ever thought that this life was meant to be easy? Wishing and caring are not enough. Regret does not help at all. The disappointments are many, the work long and dull and the rewards are few, but so sweet as to make it all worth while. Live, I ask, for a day - and there will be one I promise - when your soul will song.
Across the long miles with hasty scribbles I try to ease the growing pains of one, very precious. for the sake of one who not so long ago cried tears for my pain I ask that you consider these words with the honesty and candor in which they are written.
Love,
Michael.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Letters
ANNAPOLIS MD
MAY 29
10 - AM
1963
Dear Lydia,
It is the middle of the night and I can't sleep so I will write you a letter. I am tired of being apart, tired of wanting you, tired of waiting. During theses days of boredom when I can't make myself do anything I think of you constantly. I want to do so much. Buy you presents and say things that will make your eyes glow. Meanwhile I am telling myself to meet 6,000,000 relatives who still think of me as a boy, but my mind is set and I am ready.
While I'm writing -
The June week cottage is in Beverly Beach. You have to go to the office (its like the gate house at Sherwood) of the Bryant Real Estate Co, phone #UN-7-2081. The house is in the name of Mla Pantry 2/C. It is called "the Davis place." It is 7 minutes from USNA so a cab might cost. If you get in before 5:30 call Mike Novakat (rm 7276) at USNA. He said that he would be around all day till then to drive you, or if he isn't around maybe Bill Natter (room 5220) could help you. Saturday you can either study go or/either Mike or Billy to the sports in the yard. Bill is not staying at the same house so you would have to get in touch with him Friday night. I will most probably call tomorrow or Thursday at about 6P.M. to talk.
Some day when it is quiet and alone I will find the right words to tell you how much I love you, how long these years have been without you. It is enough now to tell you that I don't sleep nights, thinking of you.
Love,
Michael.
MAY 29
10 - AM
1963
Dear Lydia,
It is the middle of the night and I can't sleep so I will write you a letter. I am tired of being apart, tired of wanting you, tired of waiting. During theses days of boredom when I can't make myself do anything I think of you constantly. I want to do so much. Buy you presents and say things that will make your eyes glow. Meanwhile I am telling myself to meet 6,000,000 relatives who still think of me as a boy, but my mind is set and I am ready.
While I'm writing -
The June week cottage is in Beverly Beach. You have to go to the office (its like the gate house at Sherwood) of the Bryant Real Estate Co, phone #UN-7-2081. The house is in the name of Mla Pantry 2/C. It is called "the Davis place." It is 7 minutes from USNA so a cab might cost. If you get in before 5:30 call Mike Novakat (rm 7276) at USNA. He said that he would be around all day till then to drive you, or if he isn't around maybe Bill Natter (room 5220) could help you. Saturday you can either study go or/either Mike or Billy to the sports in the yard. Bill is not staying at the same house so you would have to get in touch with him Friday night. I will most probably call tomorrow or Thursday at about 6P.M. to talk.
Some day when it is quiet and alone I will find the right words to tell you how much I love you, how long these years have been without you. It is enough now to tell you that I don't sleep nights, thinking of you.
Love,
Michael.
letters
JUL 21
5 PM
1962
Jacksonville Beach, FLA
Dear Lydia,
Was to Key West to observe A.S.W. exercises - was on a submarine and also a S.S. As for me I try to submerge myself. try to not exist - try to stop thinking and wanting you. Soon - so soon. I will see you in Chilce (not legible).
Meanwhile I live and grow like a catapiller within a cacoon of lonliness, insulated from emotional experience. Keep writing. I do miss you.
Love, Michael
5 PM
1962
Jacksonville Beach, FLA
Dear Lydia,
Was to Key West to observe A.S.W. exercises - was on a submarine and also a S.S. As for me I try to submerge myself. try to not exist - try to stop thinking and wanting you. Soon - so soon. I will see you in Chilce (not legible).
Meanwhile I live and grow like a catapiller within a cacoon of lonliness, insulated from emotional experience. Keep writing. I do miss you.
Love, Michael
Letters
May 17, 1961
Anapolis, MD
Dear Charles,
Am I the same person I was? I hate everything and everybody. I am a louse. I hate me. I stink. the harder I try the worse I get. I am disgusted with me. I am so stupid, thick, dull, dopey. I lose patience. I am tired of making an effort. I am mad at being tired. I need a rest and I despise me for it. I want to be better than I am - I am so confused I dont know if I think something or just think I think I think it. I want to escape to die, to rest. Youre to throw rocks at me for being selfish, Michael.
Anapolis, MD
Dear Charles,
Am I the same person I was? I hate everything and everybody. I am a louse. I hate me. I stink. the harder I try the worse I get. I am disgusted with me. I am so stupid, thick, dull, dopey. I lose patience. I am tired of making an effort. I am mad at being tired. I need a rest and I despise me for it. I want to be better than I am - I am so confused I dont know if I think something or just think I think I think it. I want to escape to die, to rest. Youre to throw rocks at me for being selfish, Michael.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I could be more used to transition, but it has this funny nature, the way it teaches you by being ungraspable. I'll defer to nina all month or forever to gain inspiration about fear and being free. I'll take the teachings all this has to offer.
sitting on t's bed doodling with this while she makes dinner and sing que sera sera channelling sly.
sitting on t's bed doodling with this while she makes dinner and sing que sera sera channelling sly.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
4 December 66
Dear Lydia,
Today we pulled into Izmir Turkey and I got two letters from you. It is very good to hear from you. I think that when you try to tell me of what it is like to be pregnant I am filled with the most peculiar feelings - some are apprehensive I hope that I will like the new person - but most are good and warm feelings like I knew this was supposed to happen. I am proud of you and very happy to hear you talk. I am most happy of all that you picked me to be your husband and the father of your children. ancient and repeating song of love, hope and tragedy.
I was very surprised and saddened to hear about Uncle Henry. when I was younger, before I graduated grammer school, I was very close to my cousins and I had many memorable experiences with hiim. Later, after I became more friendly with Mr. Guterman and more involved with high school, I did not see as much of Uncle Henry. finally when I went to USNA, Uncle Henry seemed estranged. We both remember the kidding he used to give me about being an Admiral. I think I still liked him. I know that he liked you and that made it easier for him to like me. he was a hard working man. I have great respect for his memory.
Enclsed please find another check - this one for $100 to help you out with the various costs of moving etc etc. I will continue to send money when I get paid. Please let me know if you got the $500. If you havent by the time this letters gets to you, then I can get it cancelled and get you another. If you already have then I should get your letter soon. Ok?
Love
Michael
Dear Lydia,
Today we pulled into Izmir Turkey and I got two letters from you. It is very good to hear from you. I think that when you try to tell me of what it is like to be pregnant I am filled with the most peculiar feelings - some are apprehensive I hope that I will like the new person - but most are good and warm feelings like I knew this was supposed to happen. I am proud of you and very happy to hear you talk. I am most happy of all that you picked me to be your husband and the father of your children. ancient and repeating song of love, hope and tragedy.
I was very surprised and saddened to hear about Uncle Henry. when I was younger, before I graduated grammer school, I was very close to my cousins and I had many memorable experiences with hiim. Later, after I became more friendly with Mr. Guterman and more involved with high school, I did not see as much of Uncle Henry. finally when I went to USNA, Uncle Henry seemed estranged. We both remember the kidding he used to give me about being an Admiral. I think I still liked him. I know that he liked you and that made it easier for him to like me. he was a hard working man. I have great respect for his memory.
Enclsed please find another check - this one for $100 to help you out with the various costs of moving etc etc. I will continue to send money when I get paid. Please let me know if you got the $500. If you havent by the time this letters gets to you, then I can get it cancelled and get you another. If you already have then I should get your letter soon. Ok?
Love
Michael
thought I would move over to tumblr because it seems cooler somehow but got lost in choosing a theme, then i lost my reason to move the blog over. the point is to write, so I'll write here. here is fine.
sitting with a guitar on my lap makes me feel better. I'm not very good, I need so much more practice. still it keeps my hands sort of busy in a way that I like.
it was a perfect grey day and it feels absolutely delicious. every bit of this weather is something to eat up, red and green of traffic lights are marvelous. lots of good color contrasts going on. its muted and vibrant at the same time. one of those days where I want the perfect moments to become a part of me, I want to love everything so much.
the house is empty and it feels fantastic to fill out the space. I missed an appointment today, i forgot to ask a question, i wouldnt be rushed. even the doubt that crept in today, I can hold that too. I told B about the dream of the lion, and she said the lion is always the self. i dreamed that a lion came to me and rested it head on my neck and I was terrified.
sitting with a guitar on my lap makes me feel better. I'm not very good, I need so much more practice. still it keeps my hands sort of busy in a way that I like.
it was a perfect grey day and it feels absolutely delicious. every bit of this weather is something to eat up, red and green of traffic lights are marvelous. lots of good color contrasts going on. its muted and vibrant at the same time. one of those days where I want the perfect moments to become a part of me, I want to love everything so much.
the house is empty and it feels fantastic to fill out the space. I missed an appointment today, i forgot to ask a question, i wouldnt be rushed. even the doubt that crept in today, I can hold that too. I told B about the dream of the lion, and she said the lion is always the self. i dreamed that a lion came to me and rested it head on my neck and I was terrified.
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